إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2018(c)

i’m losing control and i can’t handle the thoughts or the fact that i’m too weak to put an end to them

i don’t want to distract myself

i want to be alone but i can’t

and they won’t let me

and i’m sick of living

i can’t handle these thoughts and what they make me do

i see how it controls me

too objective there’s no individual here

it’s coming out

i’m losing control

i can’t be weottied avout it aboymoee

Advertisements

personal entry I

January 2019

i am making peace with it,

the last few years that is.

i have reached a point in my life where i truly just want to be left alone; i still don’t know why, but it’s just an overwhelming feeling that i can no longer ignore.

it seems that for the longest time i blamed it on my need to end my life, thus my mental disorder. but really i just longer feel joy in forming any sort of relation with anyone. it’s all unnecessary effort. the amount of greed it all stems from; whether be it on my side or on par, it is all disgusting to me.

it may not be the way to go for most; and sure as hell it’ll beat me down from time to time. but it just sounds about right at this point.

bit by bit i will let them all go. and if it still bugs me, i can just end it all.

no difference or all difference; same result almost always.

Unadulterated..

The sun hit the right side of my face and burned my cheek,

a tingling on the dried up tear streak that ran down..

I close my eyes and recall all that is nicely vulnerable within me.

And as I open, I see a reflection of it all around me.

And we’d walk..

Surpassing the waves that drown the existence behind me.

No friends, nor acquaintances. No lovers, partners;

No blood to share with anyone around me, either.

yes, most importantly; no more family.

I extinguished all fleeting hopes of suppressing the fear of loneliness within me.

For the more I seek, the deeper the hole would surly get.

I do want to see what it is like to be whole.. rather than dream of all that I might be feeling someday.

Unadulterated faith, love?

If it can dwell within me; locked away or not, with that knowledge I will wield my will to find it all around me, this time.

rather than mere projections.

Savior of None

It is the maker of I,

the ruler of my actions; The father of my decisions.

I let it control me far and long enough to the extent of it becoming mine for the keeping.

 

It is that which in a world where there is only my eyes as the windows for my own soul to look out of, I begin to go blind as it bricks down my outlook.

In my blindness it always seems to reach out for me the most.

Through jumbled words in my head and small caresses of deadly cold tips it numbs my hyperactive skin till it begins to burn intolerably.

 

I can’t begin to explain how much I want it to cradle me.

But then again I can’t seem to let it come where I need it to be.

One..

Two..

Three..

Four,

FIVE.

Five, I am the fifth and it is the seventh and as far as I can remember there is only six..

But if I am four and I meet two more; won’t that be six?

So how come I keep saying,

three?

Three as a promise on my righteous hand; I let it wield on my behalf.

Moral, it shouts!

be right,

as much as you are left.

As much as you are dark..

As much you are muddied and bloodied,

give life to others.

I said am I a that bird of flame and ever-being?

it replied: “no but a mere martyr of the unholy”.

 

So fear is my strength;

And in my waters and empathy,

my tears and greenery.

i give hope.

pathetic

it is pathetic

that i’d still lay on this bed and look up and hope that there’s someone who’ll guid me through my blindness

but this world is chaotic and pointless and i don’t deserve whatever good there is in it

i don’t want to partake of it; mostly cause i don’t understand it

i am dumb

and worthless and pathetic for trying over and over again

أقول لنفسي إن الله يحب التوابين ويحب المتطهرين.. الرحمة ترحم اللي يرجع ويحاول

بس كل أحد علمني غير كذا

i never knew pure joy and i never shall

unimportant

for the past few months i felt things,

i wanted things, i wanted to get up, and i wanted to cry, i wanted to hurt and i got hurt.

i felt something..

i wanted to get dressed, i wanted to shop; i wanted to put on makeup and i wanted to go out.. but as the days went on my desires dwindled without my notice.

until yesterday i put in effort to draw lines on my eyes and wanted to smell good, i shaved my legs and straightened my hair even..

i wanted to love my man, and sing along to my favorite songs with my friends.

i wanted to rant; i wanted to discuss and i wanted to look forward to things.

i wanted to work on my skills and to pursue a good career.

i even wanted my own family.

but today, i feel nothing.. i’m depressed again.

i’d go to my therapist, but she’ll ask me to swallow more pills in order for the sessions to be “more effective”; to be subdued.

to believe in things i never did.

and i don’t like that if i were to be honest, my pain in fighting the current gave me will.

i lost that will.

i lost it all; or at least all that matters.

i’m depressed again, and again and again..

it’ll never end.

there’s ups and downs and i didn’t mind either.

but this is rock bottom, again.

point is, if i want help anymore i’d ask; but i don’t want that. i don’t want out. i’m done. i’m writing it here when i could be telling those who care. but i honestly don’t know how to do that anymore; don’t even see the reason why i should. it’s pointless. i just want to vent it out. no more no less.

Loving A Man

[Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959), dir. Alain Resnais]

The glory of your eyes in the sun, the warmth of your laughter overriding the songs on the stereo. The waves of hair crashing at the shore edges of your rigid face. The fleeting glimpses of your smile as our lips part for a moment of air.. None of that compares to the pure childlike joy I feel in my heart in our nearness, how we can spend more than eight hours completely invested in reading every bit of each other. A little too much.

how I yearn for you to hold my hands; but my mischievous soul enjoys your fear of not wanting to.

Fear,

The fear that crippled my one of its kind strong posterior, I am no longer a goddess, but better yet I am a woman in your presence. I indulge in my desire to simply follow you wherever you go, darling.. dearest.. oh my.

does not matter

in my mess you’d smile and hold me, in my fears you’d laugh with me. something about those nights we spent daydreaming about running around at the edge of the world and fight about who understands love more than the other, you whispered “i don’t want to be myself around anybody else”.

i’m stuck here thinking about it all, every second of the day; the sun would rise and fall and we’d still be fighting about the same shit you did months ago.

i don’t know how to let go, neither do you.

so as you share your bed with no one but her now; i wonder does she know you call me when you’re locked in the bathroom crying in pain?

does she know you’re the one i go to when i feel like ending it all? i guess not; or maybe she always have known, cause really what does it change?

nothing will ever change.

so i’ll lay on the ocean floor this time. drowning in those fragments of time i’m left with, floating atop the waters like stars millions of lightyears away.

you’re even much farther now.

i hope you fixed things with your mother for now.

cause i on the other hand will always runaway when things get harder, but it’s okay, it’s okay.. you understand.

let’s keep it that way.. forever.

cause we never learnt to say never.

i’m right next to you, but in the nether.

i’ll see you soon, lover, once everything else is over. again.

They say, if you can imagine it..

When it’s time, I’ll be leaving with no explanation.

You, dear reader, shall be so accommodated to the fact that I’d talk it out, not realizing that it’s merely part of their orders. They give me the power to wield my silver tongue only when it works well with their plan. To keep me around; like the empty knight armor I am.

Here I am, now; attempting to explain what I can, yet you’d think you’ve heard it all before; feel safe that I still won’t be going anywhere, but really you’re just unaware of the overflow that pushed you down the wretched riverbed of words, you’d try to keep up with my stream, yet unlike promised, it shall never lead you down to my oceans. Deceptively enough; my once were gentle waters shall rather take you six feet under; down my dry, unmarked pit.

A scratch in space-time, tearing you apart ripple by ripple.

You shall not recognize my voice when I cry from it, when I cry for help; but I already am long gone.. Like a deafening echo of a howl that wrenches your stomach; I’d remain lost in my own endless vacuum; the still, pitch-black abyss. However bit by bit, I shall drive you mad along with me. still.

Despite the moonlight shining through a clear night sky; despite the fact that you were so sure of each action you ever took on my behalf. You could never understand a single word in its regard till you let it destroy you, too.

Are you willing to lose your breath to it? drown your conscious existence whilst still in the prime of being alive?

You might think you cannot fathom what they are, but.. it can be done. Just pay attention.

New beginnings

I’ve learnt that everything I touch must die, for its own sake.

not cursed, I am merely the lord of resolutions. I thrive in all of its glorious mischief. Because despite my lonely ways, during some nights, when I come across a dying light within some other’s glistening oceanic eyes, and as we defy nature and merge waves; miraculously to one another.. I myself, then must give away my own life.

Only then shall it start all over again; till I meet you, dear one in the same. I shan’t do nothing, but push through; leaving behind my countless suffocated carcasses..