إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2018(c)

They say, if you can imagine it..

When it’s time, I’ll be leaving with no explanation.

You, dear reader, shall be so accommodated to the fact that I’d talk it out, not realizing that it’s merely part of their orders. They give me the power to wield my silver tongue only when it works well with their plan. To keep me around; like the empty knight armor I am.

Here I am, now; attempting to explain what I can, yet you’d think you’ve heard it all before; feel safe that I still won’t be going anywhere, but really you’re just unaware of the overflow that pushed you down the wretched riverbed of words, you’d try to keep up with my stream, yet unlike promised, it shall never lead you down to my oceans. Deceptively enough; my once were gentle waters shall rather take you six feet under; down my dry, unmarked pit.

A scratch in space-time, tearing you apart ripple by ripple.

You shall not recognize my voice when I cry from it, when I cry for help; but I already am long gone.. Like a deafening echo of a howl that wrenches your stomach; I’d remain lost in my own endless vacuum; the still, pitch-black abyss. However bit by bit, I shall drive you mad along with me. still.

Despite the moonlight shining through a clear night sky; despite the fact that you were so sure of each action you ever took on my behalf. You could never understand a single word in its regard till you let it destroy you, too.

Are you willing to lose your breath to it? drown your conscious existence whilst still in the prime of being alive?

You might think you cannot fathom what they are, but.. it can be done. Just pay attention.

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New beginnings

I’ve learnt that everything I touch must die, for its own sake.

not cursed, I am merely the lord of resolutions. I thrive in all of its glorious mischief. Because despite my lonely ways, during some nights, when I come across a dying light within some other’s glistening oceanic eyes, and as we defy nature and merge waves; miraculously to one another.. I myself, then must give away my own life.

Only then shall it start all over again; till I meet you, dear one in the same. I shan’t do nothing, but push through; leaving behind my countless suffocated carcasses..

God Complex

Too dangerous to make friends, too demanding to keep lovers and too rebellious to stay in touch with family.

A leader, made for packs; but cannot withstand lasting company.

you rise.

Yet, selfless, objective and most of all.. lacking the human merit.

Made of flesh and bones, or rather trapped.. a perfect cover.

An explosive charge of never-ending energy;

you are the ending and the beginning within itself, the third and last piece of the puzzle is the playing field itself.

cigarette bud talk

feel your tongue curl in your mouth as you choke on your words that you should’ve said ages ago.

they fermented, they’re your bad breath and that sour taste you leave in the new woman’s mouth.

“why do you taste this way” she’d ask, hopeful you had lunch but really, you had none for two weeks now; you smile as she says you look healthier, but it’s only the rum and endless cigarettes you poison yourself with at night to fall asleep; lucid dreaming of memories you once thought were your whole life.

it’s the baggy sweater she bought you assuming your health; but you never got naked for her, she can’t see your rib cage breaking through your skin trying to spit out your heart.

i’m just a piece of shit now. they say.

but she’ll never know, if you haven’t either.

sociopath

i can’t begin to explain how i pretend to be human.

yes, i “feel”.. to a certain degree?

i mean, i’m moody due to my bpd and i express! -for fuck’s sake, i am right now- but it’s different than what’s around me.. what’s supposed to be.

i know how to prefect something i’m not, surpassing ridiculous limits; you really have no idea, and it’s not out of malice, rather i feel.. obligated? to remain with the status quo? but technically i’m not!? i don’t know. all i know is that i’m reading this song’s lyrics about heartbreak and loss, and though i supposedly am going through the same thing; it’s rather betrayal i’m feeling that’s hurting my pride and the image of how things should still be.

my distraction is gone, what helps me pretend, that is it.

i’m too detached. to the extent where i want to go all the way; hoping at least i’d feel at peace, not this fake normal- well kept crazy!

why do i crave objectivity so much..

i miss her soft thighs 

her slow paced heart

her fingers inside me

her tongue saying exactly what i need to hear

High

Place your cold palms on my forehead, I’m burning from the inside out. I shiver thinking about my decaying mind. Shush my brain for me; tell me all will be well with the both of us.

 Something about this smoke that I’m taking in into my dried up lungs gives me panic attacks of when you’ve been all that I can rely on. But you’re nowhere around me, and something tells me I’ve lost the thread that always seemed to help me find my way back to you.

 This is no love letter, this is a declaration that I’m lost, lover. I can’t seem to get my head above the waters no more; 

last time I got high I dreamed I was in the middle of the ocean, in the depths I found my peace in the moon blue waters. But a whirlpool of maroon took over me, same as it does when I’m walking head up to the sky on the ground.

I don’t know how I should end this; so I’ll summarize it by saying this, 

I miss you. deeply.

oceanic pull

on this very day, i am a symphony roaming the early evening’s streets; too quiet to be heard, present enough to be noticed by those who listen close enough.

i am the pull of a full moon in an early december’s winter. a wave crashing on the insides of a fragile being’s soft skin, begging to be free. drowning thus streets.

i am the realization that the once was warm fires of a young love has turned into mere ashes.

i am what’s left of you; what you left right there, behind you.

but it’s alright, i’m satisfied.

i’m okay with being just a part of your journey, in an aspect, in some way. 

i’m still me; but also you. 

i am what was. 

a gentle breeze pushing you to move forward so go on; i’ll also brush right through you.

it’ll all be,

what once was; and what will come again, to be.

home

i physically want to crawl on all fours till i find your arms, unhinge my jaws and devour your chest, till i find home, drown myself in your fears; that’s where i belong. i might be your worst nightmare, but that only means you’re my safety, lover. i don’t understand most of what goes around me; the world is confusingly upside-down, most of the time. that’s why i hold on tightly to what i barely comprehend, that being you, as you scream pleading for our soundings to turn a one eighty, back to your heaven; to my living hell. 

“shut up”

my teeth are clinched whenever my mouth is shut; like floodgates holding back the constant overflow of thought and emotion; my words.

the headache spreads to my nerves and throughout my body, the need to speak up of my existence is constant.

“i’m here, i’m here! I’M HERE!”

i get it, most of all, they do, too.

but my teeth are clinched whenever my lips are still. which tampers with my nature and being. as if in protest my body resists itself; i am not used to being idle nor is my tongue.

i unhinge my skull’s crushing, in fear,

what if my gritting teeth fall apart and my gates would collapse and i am silenced forevermore?