إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2018(c)

unimportant

for the past few months i felt things,

i wanted things, i wanted to get up, and i wanted to cry, i wanted to hurt and i got hurt.

i felt something..

i wanted to get dressed, i wanted to shop; i wanted to put on makeup and i wanted to go out.. but as the days went on my desires dwindled without my notice.

until yesterday i put in effort to draw lines on my eyes and wanted to smell good, i shaved my legs and straightened my hair even..

i wanted to love my man, and sing along to my favorite songs with my friends.

i wanted to rant; i wanted to discuss and i wanted to look forward to things.

i wanted to work on my skills and to pursue a good career.

i even wanted my own family.

but today, i feel nothing.. i’m depressed again.

i’d go to my therapist, but she’ll ask me to swallow more pills in order for the sessions to be “more effective”; to be subdued.

to believe in things i never did.

and i don’t like that if i were to be honest, my pain in fighting the current gave me will.

i lost that will.

i lost it all; or at least all that matters.

i’m depressed again, and again and again..

it’ll never end.

there’s ups and downs and i didn’t mind either.

but this is rock bottom, again.

point is, if i want help anymore i’d ask; but i don’t want that. i don’t want out. i’m done. i’m writing it here when i could be telling those who care. but i honestly don’t know how to do that anymore; don’t even see the reason why i should. it’s pointless. i just want to vent it out. no more no less.

Advertisements

Loving A Man

[Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959), dir. Alain Resnais]

The glory of your eyes in the sun, the warmth of your laughter overriding the songs on the stereo. The waves of hair crashing at the shore edges of your rigid face. The fleeting glimpses of your smile as our lips part for a moment of air.. None of that compares to the pure childlike joy I feel in my heart in our nearness, how we can spend more than eight hours completely invested in reading every bit of each other. A little too much.

how I yearn for you to hold my hands; but my mischievous soul enjoys your fear of not wanting to.

Fear,

The fear that crippled my one of its kind strong posterior, I am no longer a goddess, but better yet I am a woman in your presence. I indulge in my desire to simply follow you wherever you go, darling.. dearest.. oh my.

does not matter

in my mess you’d smile and hold me, in my fears you’d laugh with me. something about those nights we spent daydreaming about running around at the edge of the world and fight about who understands love more than the other, you whispered “i don’t want to be myself around anybody else”.

i’m stuck here thinking about it all, every second of the day; the sun would rise and fall and we’d still be fighting about the same shit you did months ago.

i don’t know how to let go, neither do you.

so as you share your bed with no one but her now; i wonder does she know you call me when you’re locked in the bathroom crying in pain?

does she know you’re the one i go to when i feel like ending it all? i guess not; or maybe she always have known, cause really what does it change?

nothing will ever change.

so i’ll lay on the ocean floor this time. drowning in those fragments of time i’m left with, floating atop the waters like stars millions of lightyears away.

you’re even much farther now.

i hope you fixed things with your mother for now.

cause i on the other hand will always runaway when things get harder, but it’s okay, it’s okay.. you understand.

let’s keep it that way.. forever.

cause we never learnt to say never.

i’m right next to you, but in the nether.

i’ll see you soon, lover, once everything else is over. again.

They say, if you can imagine it..

When it’s time, I’ll be leaving with no explanation.

You, dear reader, shall be so accommodated to the fact that I’d talk it out, not realizing that it’s merely part of their orders. They give me the power to wield my silver tongue only when it works well with their plan. To keep me around; like the empty knight armor I am.

Here I am, now; attempting to explain what I can, yet you’d think you’ve heard it all before; feel safe that I still won’t be going anywhere, but really you’re just unaware of the overflow that pushed you down the wretched riverbed of words, you’d try to keep up with my stream, yet unlike promised, it shall never lead you down to my oceans. Deceptively enough; my once were gentle waters shall rather take you six feet under; down my dry, unmarked pit.

A scratch in space-time, tearing you apart ripple by ripple.

You shall not recognize my voice when I cry from it, when I cry for help; but I already am long gone.. Like a deafening echo of a howl that wrenches your stomach; I’d remain lost in my own endless vacuum; the still, pitch-black abyss. However bit by bit, I shall drive you mad along with me. still.

Despite the moonlight shining through a clear night sky; despite the fact that you were so sure of each action you ever took on my behalf. You could never understand a single word in its regard till you let it destroy you, too.

Are you willing to lose your breath to it? drown your conscious existence whilst still in the prime of being alive?

You might think you cannot fathom what they are, but.. it can be done. Just pay attention.

New beginnings

I’ve learnt that everything I touch must die, for its own sake.

not cursed, I am merely the lord of resolutions. I thrive in all of its glorious mischief. Because despite my lonely ways, during some nights, when I come across a dying light within some other’s glistening oceanic eyes, and as we defy nature and merge waves; miraculously to one another.. I myself, then must give away my own life.

Only then shall it start all over again; till I meet you, dear one in the same. I shan’t do nothing, but push through; leaving behind my countless suffocated carcasses..

God Complex

Too dangerous to make friends, too demanding to keep lovers and too rebellious to stay in touch with family.

A leader, made for packs; but cannot withstand lasting company.

you rise.

Yet, selfless, objective and most of all.. lacking the human merit.

Made of flesh and bones, or rather trapped.. a perfect cover.

An explosive charge of never-ending energy;

you are the ending and the beginning within itself, the third and last piece of the puzzle is the playing field itself.

cigarette bud talk

feel your tongue curl in your mouth as you choke on your words that you should’ve said ages ago.

they fermented, they’re your bad breath and that sour taste you leave in the new woman’s mouth.

“why do you taste this way” she’d ask, hopeful you had lunch but really, you had none for two weeks now; you smile as she says you look healthier, but it’s only the rum and endless cigarettes you poison yourself with at night to fall asleep; lucid dreaming of memories you once thought were your whole life.

it’s the baggy sweater she bought you assuming your health; but you never got naked for her, she can’t see your rib cage breaking through your skin trying to spit out your heart.

i’m just a piece of shit now. they say.

but she’ll never know, if you haven’t either.

sociopath

i can’t begin to explain how i pretend to be human.

yes, i “feel”.. to a certain degree?

i mean, i’m moody due to my bpd and i express! -for fuck’s sake, i am right now- but it’s different than what’s around me.. what’s supposed to be.

i know how to prefect something i’m not, surpassing ridiculous limits; you really have no idea, and it’s not out of malice, rather i feel.. obligated? to remain with the status quo? but technically i’m not!? i don’t know. all i know is that i’m reading this song’s lyrics about heartbreak and loss, and though i supposedly am going through the same thing; it’s rather betrayal i’m feeling that’s hurting my pride and the image of how things should still be.

my distraction is gone, what helps me pretend, that is it.

i’m too detached. to the extent where i want to go all the way; hoping at least i’d feel at peace, not this fake normal- well kept crazy!

why do i crave objectivity so much..

i miss her soft thighs 

her slow paced heart

her fingers inside me

her tongue saying exactly what i need to hear

High

Place your cold palms on my forehead, I’m burning from the inside out. I shiver thinking about my decaying mind. Shush my brain for me; tell me all will be well with the both of us.

 Something about this smoke that I’m taking in into my dried up lungs gives me panic attacks of when you’ve been all that I can rely on. But you’re nowhere around me, and something tells me I’ve lost the thread that always seemed to help me find my way back to you.

 This is no love letter, this is a declaration that I’m lost, lover. I can’t seem to get my head above the waters no more; 

last time I got high I dreamed I was in the middle of the ocean, in the depths I found my peace in the moon blue waters. But a whirlpool of maroon took over me, same as it does when I’m walking head up to the sky on the ground.

I don’t know how I should end this; so I’ll summarize it by saying this, 

I miss you. deeply.