إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2017(c)

Month: May, 2016

for now 

give me that breakthrough of a cure, baby; tell me they gave you the news that I’ll be just fine.they don’t know what’s wrong with the world and what’s before their eyes, let alone what goes around within my mind..

but why shall I worry when you try and force that crooked smile that goes along perfectly with my broken spine. 

yes, we’ll be fine for now and always if you’d like, just give me that damned placebo and hold me for just tonight.

Untitled

I used to find your quirkiness pretty,
I used to smile at things (about you) that others didn’t.
I used to think of you when I dimmed my bedroom lights.
I used to think that if I wanted to write words about your touch I must’ve loved you..
I must’ve loved you?
well truth be told I liked you until I didn’t. and they say that love doesn’t work that way.

I didn’t understand them.
I didn’t understand it until I did.
I didn’t understand it until I was standing outside some other girl’s door and for the first time in my life,
I could not avert my my focus from the pattern on that damned door..
that when I had to, I got lightheaded from how much the blood was drained from my body, despite my racing heart; the veins in my hands felt even more ice-cold[…]
as I could not stop myself from smiling, and waited till the silhouette of the love I waited for appeared..
for an instant I understood it all, and my heart grieved for you.
until it didn’t/

16/5/16

Stale taste and thin air; is that what heaven’s made out of?
sweaty palms and yearning skin begging to be touched.. it all made me lose my focus, for the first time and only with you, I lost my words; and I keep doing so over and over again.
As many books I may read, as many questions I might seek to be answered and as much knowledge I thus would gain, I fear I still shan’t understand you. How frightful.

//yet why does it feel like I already do//

despite all the attempts of it to wash you away

As I got out of the shower, that I had hoped would help me forget; warming my oceanic curls up in the morning sun, out of the scent of my shampoo, my coffee and cigarette smoke, I was able to distinguish that one scent.. that of yours. In a moment of madness, I turn my head with subconscious, childlike joy and in that split second before I could rest my eyes on my door it hit me how impossible it would have been for you to be standing there. Yet my naive, dreamer heart seem to still hope for you..

But when reality hit with its bitter truth I had to know, still. cause I was already too shy to ask what perfume you use yet here it is taking over my senses as if it’s a factual matter I’m surly aware of from long ago. Am I losing my mind? maybe. Because I started looking like a hound for it; with an unhindered instinct to find it. As if I’ll find bits of you hiding in a corner waiting to be found; by me. However, as I slumped down in yet another deafeat involving you! I found you.. on my shirt.. the shirt I wore the first night I spent alone with just you.. as if it, too yearned to be in your arms. Ahh it greived by unleashing all it had of you.

Forget

I want to forget,
I want to forget how it felt to sleep on your chest as if it’s the only place I could truly rest my head.
I want to forget how it felt when you kissed me, each and every time; so extraordinary, I felt like writing about it; as if it had been the first to take place in the universe. I want to forget how I was so conscious about holding your hand that when you let go I told myself it’s okay…

it’s not okay; it was never okay.
I, the greedy lover? the overly proud outspoken one? okay with not getting what I want? when was I ever.
but you’re so different, so new; a need, as a matter of fact, a need so deep that it had me frantically change out of the fear of probable loss..
oh how you’re working me to my wits’ end,
but here it shall, entirely.

therefore I will forget, forget how to hold back and if it threw you off I’ll just jump right after.

kissing the night

Craving kisses was never my thing till I got a wicked taste and realized that the vulnerability I was avoiding was surprisingly rewarding, for my fearful heart went cold at the grips of those whom I realised I never loved; so it went away. And on.

Until you came along and hell I could not escape the thought of you ever since; remembering.. How you exhaled –and I ached– after we parted away for only a moment in the sake of a breathing break or more so how you dived right back in. How you kept your eyes shut avoiding my unbreakable gaze till your mouth started to quiver and how I feared you were hoping it was someone besides me sitting right next to you, but that self-doubt vanishes the moment I recall that one memory.. The image of you, in my head, back then in the cramped accelerating manner we were in, right after our first kiss and how you rested your head with the most beautiful smile I could ever be the cause of (or so I hope); add to that my lipstick smeared all over you; reminiscing back to the sight of that makes me laugh a little, each and every time.

I’m addicted and ever since, dearest I’ve been yearning for you, only.