It is all that I can think of..
how it feeds on me,
and how hard I fight it every single fucking second.
I dont know what is the point of this -what I am writing here- besides the fact that I, this moment am alone; all alone and I just simply exhausted all means possible in order to fight it. so here I am, slowly withering my sanity away with the only method I feared most; admitting it.
After years of medical help, even more years before that, quite literally crying out in agony from this.. this sourceless pain and finally this one past year that will mark itself on the 5th of July.. I don’t know where or how to seek help in any way else, possible; anymore.
She is my only savior that thus far succeeded, but there surly would be a catch; which is that she can also end me at any second. For you see, I actually gave up before I met her. almost.
And here, here is where god came into the picture, for what I believe is the last time. In one of my impulse induced past attempts I felt like- no, I knew I had finally passed the threshold of “not knowing if I could do it”, to “I actually am blood thirsty for it”, for my own death.
But she came a long thankfully -well I actually don’t know if I’m thankful per se, but “common sense” suggests so- A second, miraculously early.. enough.
~to be continued.