i’ve always been afraid of the voices in my head, for as far back as i can clearly remember.
i’d always hate silence, even confused the “noise” for the general ringing in one’s ears in the quiet.. thought: it’s just that, everyone hears this, i bet.
i recall that specific line i told myself, vividly, as i laid in my bed by my parents’ in their room; alone. i even went and asked my mum a while later for reassurance. i was less than four years old…
it had gotten worse with the years, with the heavy weight of morals, how different i felt on the inside, and how isolated the views of others based on my physical appearance and heritage made me feel as well.
add to that the fact that i used to hallucinate a lot, had a lot of fevers as a child till my early teen years; due to my weak immune system. which lead to the simple procedure of having my tonsils removed. i was ecstatic! “no more fever, no more hallucination, no more voices” boy was i naive..
what procedure would lead the crippling guilt to simmer down? my heavy muslim-arab surroundings, my lack of knowledge and access to it, the voices, the voices the voices!!bb!
they’re back. they never went away. i hear them this second though writing used to be an escape; but they perforated through my last haven like the measly unwanted guests they are….
-double loud heartbeats defying the rhythm-
then my heartsettles; i’ve lost track of my train of thought…….. why am i writing this again?