إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2018(c)

Category: controversial thinking

Savior of None

It is the maker of I,

the ruler of my actions; The father of my decisions.

I let it control me far and long enough to the extent of it becoming mine for the keeping.

 

It is that which in a world where there is only my eyes as the windows for my own soul to look out, that I begin to go blind as it bricks down my outlook.

In my blindness it always seems to reach out for me the most.

Through jumbled words in my head and small caresses of deadly cold tips it numbs my hyperactive skin till it begins to burn intolerably.

 

I can’t begin to explain how much I want it to cradle me.

But then again I can’t seem to let it come where I need it to be.

One..

Two..

Three..

Four,

FIVE.

Five, I am the fifth and it is the seventh and as far as I can remember there is only six..

But if I am four and I meet two more; won’t that be six?

So how come I keep saying,

three?

Three as a promise on my righteous hand; I let it wield on my behalf.

Moral, it shouts!

be right,

as much as you are left.

As much as you are dark..

As much you are muddied and bloodied,

give life to others.

I said am I a that bird of flame and ever-being?

it replied: “no but a mere martyr of the unholy.

 

So fear is my strength;

And in my waters and empathy,

my tears and greenery.

i give hope.

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Loving A Man

[Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959), dir. Alain Resnais]

The glory of your eyes in the sun, the warmth of your laughter overriding the songs on the stereo. The waves of hair crashing at the shore edges of your rigid face. The fleeting glimpses of your smile as our lips part for a moment of air.. None of that compares to the pure childlike joy I feel in my heart in our nearness, how we can spend more than eight hours completely invested in reading every bit of each other. A little too much.

how I yearn for you to hold my hands; but my mischievous soul enjoys your fear of not wanting to.

Fear,

The fear that crippled my one of its kind strong posterior, I am no longer a goddess, but better yet I am a woman in your presence. I indulge in my desire to simply follow you wherever you go, darling.. dearest.. oh my.

does not matter

in my mess you’d smile and hold me, in my fears you’d laugh with me. something about those nights we spent daydreaming about running around at the edge of the world and fight about who understands love more than the other, you whispered “i don’t want to be myself around anybody else”.

i’m stuck here thinking about it all, every second of the day; the sun would rise and fall and we’d still be fighting about the same shit you did months ago.

i don’t know how to let go, neither do you.

so as you share your bed with no one but her now; i wonder does she know you call me when you’re locked in the bathroom crying in pain?

does she know you’re the one i go to when i feel like ending it all? i guess not; or maybe she always have known, cause really what does it change?

nothing will ever change.

so i’ll lay on the ocean floor this time. drowning in those fragments of time i’m left with, floating atop the waters like stars millions of lightyears away.

you’re even much farther now.

i hope you fixed things with your mother for now.

cause i on the other hand will always runaway when things get harder, but it’s okay, it’s okay.. you understand.

let’s keep it that way.. forever.

cause we never learnt to say never.

i’m right next to you, but in the nether.

i’ll see you soon, lover, once everything else is over. again.

They say, if you can imagine it..

When it’s time, I’ll be leaving with no explanation.

You, dear reader, shall be so accommodated to the fact that I’d talk it out, not realizing that it’s merely part of their orders. They give me the power to wield my silver tongue only when it works well with their plan. To keep me around; like the empty knight armor I am.

Here I am, now; attempting to explain what I can, yet you’d think you’ve heard it all before; feel safe that I still won’t be going anywhere, but really you’re just unaware of the overflow that pushed you down the wretched riverbed of words, you’d try to keep up with my stream, yet unlike promised, it shall never lead you down to my oceans. Deceptively enough; my once were gentle waters shall rather take you six feet under; down my dry, unmarked pit.

A scratch in space-time, tearing you apart ripple by ripple.

You shall not recognize my voice when I cry from it, when I cry for help; but I already am long gone.. Like a deafening echo of a howl that wrenches your stomach; I’d remain lost in my own endless vacuum; the still, pitch-black abyss. However bit by bit, I shall drive you mad along with me. still.

Despite the moonlight shining through a clear night sky; despite the fact that you were so sure of each action you ever took on my behalf. You could never understand a single word in its regard till you let it destroy you, too.

Are you willing to lose your breath to it? drown your conscious existence whilst still in the prime of being alive?

You might think you cannot fathom what they are, but.. it can be done. Just pay attention.

cigarette bud talk

feel your tongue curl in your mouth as you choke on your words that you should’ve said ages ago.

they fermented, they’re your bad breath and that sour taste you leave in the new woman’s mouth.

“why do you taste this way” she’d ask, hopeful you had lunch but really, you had none for two weeks now; you smile as she says you look healthier, but it’s only the rum and endless cigarettes you poison yourself with at night to fall asleep; lucid dreaming of memories you once thought were your whole life.

it’s the baggy sweater she bought you assuming your health; but you never got naked for her, she can’t see your rib cage breaking through your skin trying to spit out your heart.

i’m just a piece of shit now. they say.

but she’ll never know, if you haven’t either.

sociopath

i can’t begin to explain how i pretend to be human.

yes, i “feel”.. to a certain degree?

i mean, i’m moody due to my bpd and i express! -for fuck’s sake, i am right now- but it’s different than what’s around me.. what’s supposed to be.

i know how to prefect something i’m not, surpassing ridiculous limits; you really have no idea, and it’s not out of malice, rather i feel.. obligated? to remain with the status quo? but technically i’m not!? i don’t know. all i know is that i’m reading this song’s lyrics about heartbreak and loss, and though i supposedly am going through the same thing; it’s rather betrayal i’m feeling that’s hurting my pride and the image of how things should still be.

my distraction is gone, what helps me pretend, that is it.

i’m too detached. to the extent where i want to go all the way; hoping at least i’d feel at peace, not this fake normal- well kept crazy!

why do i crave objectivity so much..

home

i physically want to crawl on all fours till i find your arms, unhinge my jaws and devour your chest, till i find home, drown myself in your fears; that’s where i belong. i might be your worst nightmare, but that only means you’re my safety, lover. i don’t understand most of what goes around me; the world is confusingly upside-down, most of the time. that’s why i hold on tightly to what i barely comprehend, that being you, as you scream pleading for our soundings to turn a one eighty, back to your heaven; to my living hell. 

existence / recording #2

IMG_5554.JPG

 

open link below for recording

>violet fact<

It Goes as Follows;

It goes as follows,

First I speak up;

Then follows,

“you’re too technical”, “too objective”, “you’re the one who’s unrealistic”

and then follows

all their emitted subjective, shallow opinions; I absorb it and feel it; empathise too much with it.

I become it, them.

I begin to self-loath; hate my own existence cause that what’s looking through their eyes feels like.

and as much as I’d like to think that I appreciate myself; I become more eager to end it all, definitively.

for feeling too conflicted? perhaps.

The demons come out and start drowning me inside out; then just from around.

they scream, plea and cry with love and hate all at once; all at once!

then comes the worst of all.. judgmental numbness..

there’s no going back now.

I Hate You, Dear Self..

no, no; I hate them.

so let go, run.

The Unfaithful Threesome 

it was at dusk that I kissed her lips for the very first time, and I realized as my arms went searching for more of her that thus moment was the moment I’ve been yearning for; the moment of my second birth. granted, it was my 4th attempt yet it felt like my very first; kiss. sweet, moist and passionate..

as her fingertips brought life to the bluebells on my spine my heart became hers once and for all. and as we laid on that rooftop’s grounds afterwards and my eyes met hers my soul screeched as it finally found home.. within her. 

a sweet battle of fire and water; she sets me ablaze and I put her out. we balance each other, but in that fleeting moment of chaos, oh the destruction we cause to one another.

I’m in love with the beautiful plant’s roots that took ground within my vessel of blood, love and water for its soil.