إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah (c)

Category: expressive writing

月の遠い側 (一)

It is all that I can think of..

my isolation,

how it feeds on me,

and how hard I fight it every single fucking second.

 

I dont know what is the point of this -what I am writing here- besides the fact that I, this moment am alone; all alone and I just simply exhausted all means possible in order to fight it. so here I am, slowly withering my sanity away with the only method I feared most; admitting it.

 

After years of medical help, even more years before that, quite literally crying out in agony from this.. this sourceless pain and finally this one past year that will mark itself on the 5th of July.. I don’t know where or how to seek help in any way else, possible; anymore.

 

She is my only savior that thus far succeeded, but there surly would be a catch; which is that she can also end me at any second. For you see, I actually gave up before I met her. almost.

 

And here, here is where god came into the picture, for what I believe is the last time. In one of my impulse induced past attempts I felt like- no, I knew I had finally passed the threshold of “not knowing if I could do it”, to “I actually am blood thirsty for it”, for my own death.

But she came a long thankfully -well I actually don’t know if I’m thankful per se, but “common sense” suggests so- A second, miraculously early.. enough.

 

~to be continued.

 

it’s funny how life chose to go on while i layed on its fringes. 

and it went on and on for a little too long, till i was clearly left behind; but i kept up! a few weeks behind, but still! i am losing my breath for it, still!

 i am here.. still..

i want to feel just that; being.. being yet still.

to be still.

it’s pretty, i can see all of it; and it is all so pretty. i like it, i do, but i don’t belong as a part of any of it.. any. of. it.

it’s fine.

i never did; so i couldn’t actually fathom the loss.

except that i also can’t not feel the emptiness of what it all leaves as consuming residue.. within me.

of that too, i am aware.
i’m left with nothing but wonderment and empathy; to keep going on.

oh, and the delusional hope that maybe one day, a faulty, out of place miscalculation as myself, could fit in with maybe a cancerous mass of mutated individualists.

ignite the mortal fires of my imagination; and burn my useless soul alive.. i am departing.

people who weren’t born more than a 100 times each day for annuals that last more than 365 days per second.people who’ve spoken with only one mindset,

one religion,

one perception,

one measly vessel,

a countable number of homes; or none whatsoever!

one brain; one life; one goal even.

indeed one fucking genetic pool..

people who’ve by now surpassed whatever illness took over the east.

people who’ve never heard about it.

those who never encountered a god, a fairy or a slave; nor the dead!

fucked them, listened to them, hated or loved them!

people who aren’t already dead.

i could list on all the traits they grossly lack, endlessly…..

or i could simply state that these people, these people i am clearly speaking of; are those who do not believe in losing their sanity for someone else’s words; 
(a) “book”.

Autumn Amidst Spring 

I wish these horrid thoughts would leave me alone.

I wish I could be free from them..

forever,

but they’re engrossed within my core.

it almost feels like that if I let go, I’d lose them?

thus consequently, losing most parts of my..self.

 

I’ll continue to cry out; why do we fall when we’re supposed to bloom!?

The foresight I had for you is becoming unreliable. It is like time forces me to let go when I do not want to.

I am choking on my feelings for you.. 

I am afraid when I sense, whether falsely or not; that you merely feel indifferent.

For I, I am reliant.

~

Sorry for being unreliable in return. Condemn me some more with your unintended mean words. they seized to mean what they used to; coming from you.

Which is it? 

Do you still love me? or is this safe embrace got your instinct resting; for now.. hm?

I am losing my mind, dear.

An idealist heart, loathing every bit of itself, wanting nothing but entireness.

The brain gives up; rather gets overthrown, literally off its boat; a captain-less warship of logic, gone astray.

It is the harsh waves of emotion that over flood the shores of the lungs, eating away at each and every atom of air within. Till blood turn purple.

That is how it feels with each breath i draw in, that, that is your love.

she rests her head somewhere I’m not.. for now?

reem, [Jan 13, 2017, 3:10 PM]:

today’s vibe is very uncomfortable in a familiar way; it warms the heart which is confusing cause it’s not supposed to

it’s a rare day

one where you enjoy the little things more than the major beauties

staring at the random, usual looking clouds, consuming most of the sky

listening to good but not the best music

where when the sun and its extra pretty rays dance with the other tender looking clouds on the other side of the sky is actually an eyesore; making you avert your gaze back to the average.. again

where you realize that the reason we ache is the reason we chose to be away from our creator

longing has a bitter-sweet taste to it that’s like cherry wine; addictive

it’s why you, my partner’s perfect distance is needed; for one day though; so that my soul could indulge the griefs of love

but not for too long

or i’d suffocate

that’s why we are not immortal

we’d suffocate from being away from our core; our creator; our grand love, for too long..

Harebell for a Spine.

i must stop spreading;
it’s time for my extinction.
my petals have been stepped on one too many times,
i’m weary to the roots;
rip me off!! annihilate the wildness within my nature!
subdue thus flower.

It Goes as Follows;

It goes as follows,

First I speak up;

Then follows,

“you’re too technical”, “too objective”, “you’re the one who’s unrealistic”

and then follows

all their emitted subjective, shallow opinions; I absorb it and feel it; empathise too much with it.

I become it, them.

I begin to self-loath; hate my own existence cause that what’s looking through their eyes feels like.

and as much as I’d like to think that I appreciate myself; I become more eager to end it all, definitively.

for feeling too conflicted? perhaps.

The demons come out and start drowning me inside out; then just from around.

they scream, plea and cry with love and hate all at once; all at once!

then comes the worst of all.. judgmental numbness..

there’s no going back now.

I Hate You, Dear Self..

no, no; I hate them.

so let go, run.