إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2019(c)

Category: lesbian

Loving A Man

[Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959), dir. Alain Resnais]

The glory of your eyes in the sun, the warmth of your laughter overriding the songs on the stereo. The waves of hair crashing at the shore edges of your rigid face. The fleeting glimpses of your smile as our lips part for a moment of air.. None of that compares to the pure childlike joy I feel in my heart in our nearness, how we can spend more than eight hours completely invested in reading every bit of each other. A little too much.

how I yearn for you to hold my hands; but my mischievous soul enjoys your fear of not wanting to.


The fear that crippled my one of its kind strong posterior, I am no longer a goddess, but better yet I am a woman in your presence. I indulge in my desire to simply follow you wherever you go, darling.. dearest.. oh my.


The ember of the skies and oceans within my heart; “my sun”

And I say I will love you until the end of me; cause time is pointless without my realization of it.
Reality as a hoax and I am immortal as long as your heart beats within me.
I am yours; till the end of the beyond. Impossible.

/Different Lands for Just You and I/

November 8th

I had certainly died,
for my birth, begins each time, in the recollection of the beautiful image of her wide, fire-lit brown eyes.
I have no other memory of warmth but that I had in between her..
cradled in her grasp I have learnt the beauty of being a female, moreover the bliss of getting loved by one.
Then I die; once more, surpassing the meaning of just being in love.

November 2nd

Love intoxicates you, leads you to believe in the unfathomable;

then breaks your bones -at your will- and asks you to rely on your crutches of a lover; “they can surely withstand you for the rest of your time.”
so you’re consumed by the ideal that it’s only your right.
I hate being a burden. I hate all of this.

/Crippling Hate./

October 25th

As the gold disappears from my locks, sweet armored princess of mine, wake me from my jaded slumber; show me your world for I am on the brink of leaving mine. Then meet me, meet me half way on the gates of your lips and let us create a universe of our own; gentle lover of mine, I will save you and you will save me. I promise to love you. Just meet me there.
Kiss me. One more time, but please this time, let it be everlasting.

/I Can’t Help but Cave in From Time to Time/

August 29th

I don’t need you to make sense,

I need you to be real.
Forever is pointless to my decaying existence; be worthwhile. Time is not real or at least not how we were made to believe it to be; simply a dimension.

no past no future; our forever is now.
Hold me, I am weak despite my seemingly strong exterior. (how?)
I cry in silence cause I have been called a coward one too many times as I got hurt too often.
Be different, I am tired. Bent out of shape. Do not correct me. Love me as I am now.
Weak breaths and shaky hands, words underlined with true-naive- promises. That is all the lost child I was born to be could genuinely give.
Be the home I long for. My broken legs are giving up on me. I do not know what it is I am supposed to want besides that. A home. Home..

August 24th

Fuck words,

fuck thinking about how you would swoon over my like-no-other loving promises.
I don’t feel like simply having you understand how invested I am in you.. Us.
My sweet dream of the future.
My all-time companion; I want to prove it to you.
I want to grab your hand, run towards the end and never let you go. Still.
Those eyes of yours control me; will forever do so.
Nothing could come between us, I will fight it with my life. And whatever comes next.
I am yours to hold and love or to be taught a life lesson. I vow. I am in love; truly.

/Vows. /This Is It.
August 22nd

May I be selfish, lover?

May I desire you at all times with no guilt?
I do not know how, but I would rather not even consider fathoming a life well spent yet without you; so let me ask of you, will you be mine? for the naive forever that a hopeless romantic’s true nature cannot help but gravitate towards..
You are all that I need. Come drown your flames within my waters; rest assure I am here to free you. So warm me up; let us be free, in love.

/I Miss You./
August 5th

The Unfaithful Threesome 

it was at dusk that I kissed her lips for the very first time, and I realized as my arms went searching for more of her that thus moment was the moment I’ve been yearning for; the moment of my second birth. granted, it was my 4th attempt yet it felt like my very first; kiss. sweet, moist and passionate..

as her fingertips brought life to the bluebells on my spine my heart became hers once and for all. and as we laid on that rooftop’s grounds afterwards and my eyes met hers my soul screeched as it finally found home.. within her. 

a sweet battle of fire and water; she sets me ablaze and I put her out. we balance each other, but in that fleeting moment of chaos, oh the destruction we cause to one another.

I’m in love with the beautiful plant’s roots that took ground within my vessel of blood, love and water for its soil.


I used to find your quirkiness pretty,
I used to smile at things (about you) that others didn’t.
I used to think of you when I dimmed my bedroom lights.
I used to think that if I wanted to write words about your touch I must’ve loved you..
I must’ve loved you?
well truth be told I liked you until I didn’t. and they say that love doesn’t work that way.

I didn’t understand them.
I didn’t understand it until I did.
I didn’t understand it until I was standing outside some other girl’s door and for the first time in my life,
I could not avert my my focus from the pattern on that damned door..
that when I had to, I got lightheaded from how much the blood was drained from my body, despite my racing heart; the veins in my hands felt even more ice-cold[…]
as I could not stop myself from smiling, and waited till the silhouette of the love I waited for appeared..
for an instant I understood it all, and my heart grieved for you.
until it didn’t/


Stale taste and thin air; is that what heaven’s made out of?
sweaty palms and yearning skin begging to be touched.. it all made me lose my focus, for the first time and only with you, I lost my words; and I keep doing so over and over again.
As many books I may read, as many questions I might seek to be answered and as much knowledge I thus would gain, I fear I still shan’t understand you. How frightful.

//yet why does it feel like I already do//


I want to forget,
I want to forget how it felt to sleep on your chest as if it’s the only place I could truly rest my head.
I want to forget how it felt when you kissed me, each and every time; so extraordinary, I felt like writing about it; as if it had been the first to take place in the universe. I want to forget how I was so conscious about holding your hand that when you let go I told myself it’s okay…

it’s not okay; it was never okay.
I, the greedy lover? the overly proud outspoken one? okay with not getting what I want? when was I ever.
but you’re so different, so new; a need, as a matter of fact, a need so deep that it had me frantically change out of the fear of probable loss..
oh how you’re working me to my wits’ end,
but here it shall, entirely.

therefore I will forget, forget how to hold back and if it threw you off I’ll just jump right after.

kissing the night

Craving kisses was never my thing till I got a wicked taste and realized that the vulnerability I was avoiding was surprisingly rewarding, for my fearful heart went cold at the grips of those whom I realised I never loved; so it went away. And on.

Until you came along and hell I could not escape the thought of you ever since; remembering.. How you exhaled –and I ached– after we parted away for only a moment in the sake of a breathing break or more so how you dived right back in. How you kept your eyes shut avoiding my unbreakable gaze till your mouth started to quiver and how I feared you were hoping it was someone besides me sitting right next to you, but that self-doubt vanishes the moment I recall that one memory.. The image of you, in my head, back then in the cramped accelerating manner we were in, right after our first kiss and how you rested your head with the most beautiful smile I could ever be the cause of (or so I hope); add to that my lipstick smeared all over you; reminiscing back to the sight of that makes me laugh a little, each and every time.

I’m addicted and ever since, dearest I’ve been yearning for you, only.

Be My Moon

I’m the ocean,
despite your unhindered distance I’d still be enraged, drowning within myself even, if you were to be lost entirely;

I need the peace of your gravitational forces.. your hushed light and soft whispers to calm what daylight could cause when your only out of sight to the restless gaze of my breathless creatures.
my waves extend towards you till your enlightenment finally reaches me and I bask in your dazzling night sky.
a presence I alone would feel. despite all stars; I still prefer yours.
oh how I crave to be under your control for all eternity; like an antidote of a graceful never-ending antinode; you impact my greatness in the most tragic of ways.

who knows

For a while, but only recently I thought I was incapable of love.

I second-guessed all the ties I have had before.. before her.


Well this girl I’ve only encountered a few countable times, yet I’ve known her my whole life; or so it feels when I’m in her undoubtable presence.

Her presence..

it is nothing but awkward for me, or one could say heart shattering even; I want her to hold my hand and greet me, the real me, back, yet she never does. She looks at me with cold eyes and that sweet pout of hers.. and every time we lock eyes it is like the first time for her.. and my last. It ruins me, each and every time.

But that night she came over it felt like the sweet little, devious lying dream it always has been.

only below her touch there I was realising how surreal it all feels.

her kisses, strokes and breaths ..

I was hers since day one; more-sadly-so I even repeated it to her time after time but she just chose to never listen. to any of my screaming and pleading.. deaf to my overwhelming love.

 I wrote words, played songs and kissed her with my aching heart.. and still.. nothing.