إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2018(c)

Category: love

Loving A Man

[Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959), dir. Alain Resnais]

The glory of your eyes in the sun, the warmth of your laughter overriding the songs on the stereo. The waves of hair crashing at the shore edges of your rigid face. The fleeting glimpses of your smile as our lips part for a moment of air.. None of that compares to the pure childlike joy I feel in my heart in our nearness, how we can spend more than eight hours completely invested in reading every bit of each other. A little too much.

how I yearn for you to hold my hands; but my mischievous soul enjoys your fear of not wanting to.

Fear,

The fear that crippled my one of its kind strong posterior, I am no longer a goddess, but better yet I am a woman in your presence. I indulge in my desire to simply follow you wherever you go, darling.. dearest.. oh my.

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does not matter

in my mess you’d smile and hold me, in my fears you’d laugh with me. something about those nights we spent daydreaming about running around at the edge of the world and fight about who understands love more than the other, you whispered “i don’t want to be myself around anybody else”.

i’m stuck here thinking about it all, every second of the day; the sun would rise and fall and we’d still be fighting about the same shit you did months ago.

i don’t know how to let go, neither do you.

so as you share your bed with no one but her now; i wonder does she know you call me when you’re locked in the bathroom crying in pain?

does she know you’re the one i go to when i feel like ending it all? i guess not; or maybe she always have known, cause really what does it change?

nothing will ever change.

so i’ll lay on the ocean floor this time. drowning in those fragments of time i’m left with, floating atop the waters like stars millions of lightyears away.

you’re even much farther now.

i hope you fixed things with your mother for now.

cause i on the other hand will always runaway when things get harder, but it’s okay, it’s okay.. you understand.

let’s keep it that way.. forever.

cause we never learnt to say never.

i’m right next to you, but in the nether.

i’ll see you soon, lover, once everything else is over. again.