إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2018(c)

Category: mind-freeing

They say, if you can imagine it..

When it’s time, I’ll be leaving with no explanation.

You, dear reader, shall be so accommodated to the fact that I’d talk it out, not realizing that it’s merely part of their orders. They give me the power to wield my silver tongue only when it works well with their plan. To keep me around; like the empty knight armor I am.

Here I am, now; attempting to explain what I can, yet you’d think you’ve heard it all before; feel safe that I still won’t be going anywhere, but really you’re just unaware of the overflow that pushed you down the wretched riverbed of words, you’d try to keep up with my stream, yet unlike promised, it shall never lead you down to my oceans. Deceptively enough; my once were gentle waters shall rather take you six feet under; down my dry, unmarked pit.

A scratch in space-time, tearing you apart ripple by ripple.

You shall not recognize my voice when I cry from it, when I cry for help; but I already am long gone.. Like a deafening echo of a howl that wrenches your stomach; I’d remain lost in my own endless vacuum; the still, pitch-black abyss. However bit by bit, I shall drive you mad along with me. still.

Despite the moonlight shining through a clear night sky; despite the fact that you were so sure of each action you ever took on my behalf. You could never understand a single word in its regard till you let it destroy you, too.

Are you willing to lose your breath to it? drown your conscious existence whilst still in the prime of being alive?

You might think you cannot fathom what they are, but.. it can be done. Just pay attention.

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cigarette bud talk

feel your tongue curl in your mouth as you choke on your words that you should’ve said ages ago.

they fermented, they’re your bad breath and that sour taste you leave in the new woman’s mouth.

“why do you taste this way” she’d ask, hopeful you had lunch but really, you had none for two weeks now; you smile as she says you look healthier, but it’s only the rum and endless cigarettes you poison yourself with at night to fall asleep; lucid dreaming of memories you once thought were your whole life.

it’s the baggy sweater she bought you assuming your health; but you never got naked for her, she can’t see your rib cage breaking through your skin trying to spit out your heart.

i’m just a piece of shit now. they say.

but she’ll never know, if you haven’t either.

High

Place your cold palms on my forehead, I’m burning from the inside out. I shiver thinking about my decaying mind. Shush my brain for me; tell me all will be well with the both of us.

 Something about this smoke that I’m taking in into my dried up lungs gives me panic attacks of when you’ve been all that I can rely on. But you’re nowhere around me, and something tells me I’ve lost the thread that always seemed to help me find my way back to you.

 This is no love letter, this is a declaration that I’m lost, lover. I can’t seem to get my head above the waters no more; 

last time I got high I dreamed I was in the middle of the ocean, in the depths I found my peace in the moon blue waters. But a whirlpool of maroon took over me, same as it does when I’m walking head up to the sky on the ground.

I don’t know how I should end this; so I’ll summarize it by saying this, 

I miss you. deeply.

oceanic pull

on this very day, i am a symphony roaming the early evening’s streets; too quiet to be heard, present enough to be noticed by those who listen close enough.

i am the pull of a full moon in an early december’s winter. a wave crashing on the insides of a fragile being’s soft skin, begging to be free. drowning thus streets.

i am the realization that the once was warm fires of a young love has turned into mere ashes.

i am what’s left of you; what you left right there, behind you.

but it’s alright, i’m satisfied.

i’m okay with being just a part of your journey, in an aspect, in some way. 

i’m still me; but also you. 

i am what was. 

a gentle breeze pushing you to move forward so go on; i’ll also brush right through you.

it’ll all be,

what once was; and what will come again, to be.

home

i physically want to crawl on all fours till i find your arms, unhinge my jaws and devour your chest, till i find home, drown myself in your fears; that’s where i belong. i might be your worst nightmare, but that only means you’re my safety, lover. i don’t understand most of what goes around me; the world is confusingly upside-down, most of the time. that’s why i hold on tightly to what i barely comprehend, that being you, as you scream pleading for our soundings to turn a one eighty, back to your heaven; to my living hell. 

little girl

little girl, you’re in pain.

grieving for the losses of the years.

you and your daddy issues, 

and even mommy didn’t give you enough hugs and kisses till you cried yourself to sleep each night.

though, little girl you were born a lover,

 stealing glances since you were 8 years old; 

hopelessly looking for aphrodite’s promises of roses and smiles.

the world isn’t as peaceful as your day-dreams, 

rather filled with those monsters of your night-terrors that never left you since birth.

little girl, you’ve grown and found the one!

but she took you for granted,

 and wanted mere pain instead, cause that’s what she’s been addicted to; “unlike you”.

little girl; 

the cycle will never end, now you know, so get your shit together, you’re a grown woman now.

existence / recording #2

IMG_5554.JPG

 

open link below for recording

>violet fact<

insanity?

it is a weird form of sadness; sourceless, painless, though its presence is very much so, sensible it cannot be missed.
indeed, it comes from nowhere. yet even so, it is persistent! maddening…. 

it not only begs, but fights to be noticed; and how could it not be? how could something that consistently hits you in the face, out of the fucking blue not get merely noticed!? 

mhm.. damned are the ones whom understand this.. via experience.

she rests her head somewhere I’m not.. for now?

reem, [Jan 13, 2017, 3:10 PM]:

today’s vibe is very uncomfortable in a familiar way; it warms the heart which is confusing cause it’s not supposed to

it’s a rare day

one where you enjoy the little things more than the major beauties

staring at the random, usual looking clouds, consuming most of the sky

listening to good but not the best music

where when the sun and its extra pretty rays dance with the other tender looking clouds on the other side of the sky is actually an eyesore; making you avert your gaze back to the average.. again

where you realize that the reason we ache is the reason we chose to be away from our creator

longing has a bitter-sweet taste to it that’s like cherry wine; addictive

it’s why you, my partner’s perfect distance is needed; for one day though; so that my soul could indulge the griefs of love

but not for too long

or i’d suffocate

that’s why we are not immortal

we’d suffocate from being away from our core; our creator; our grand love, for too long..

It Goes as Follows;

It goes as follows,

First I speak up;

Then follows,

“you’re too technical”, “too objective”, “you’re the one who’s unrealistic”

and then follows

all their emitted subjective, shallow opinions; I absorb it and feel it; empathise too much with it.

I become it, them.

I begin to self-loath; hate my own existence cause that what’s looking through their eyes feels like.

and as much as I’d like to think that I appreciate myself; I become more eager to end it all, definitively.

for feeling too conflicted? perhaps.

The demons come out and start drowning me inside out; then just from around.

they scream, plea and cry with love and hate all at once; all at once!

then comes the worst of all.. judgmental numbness..

there’s no going back now.

I Hate You, Dear Self..

no, no; I hate them.

so let go, run.