إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2017(c)

Category: mind-freeing

she rests her head somewhere I’m not.. for now?

reem, [Jan 13, 2017, 3:10 PM]:

today’s vibe is very uncomfortable in a familiar way; it warms the heart which is confusing cause it’s not supposed to

it’s a rare day

one where you enjoy the little things more than the major beauties

staring at the random, usual looking clouds, consuming most of the sky

listening to good but not the best music

where when the sun and its extra pretty rays dance with the other tender looking clouds on the other side of the sky is actually an eyesore; making you avert your gaze back to the average.. again

where you realize that the reason we ache is the reason we chose to be away from our creator

longing has a bitter-sweet taste to it that’s like cherry wine; addictive

it’s why you, my partner’s perfect distance is needed; for one day though; so that my soul could indulge the griefs of love

but not for too long

or i’d suffocate

that’s why we are not immortal

we’d suffocate from being away from our core; our creator; our grand love, for too long..

It Goes as Follows;

It goes as follows,

First I speak up;

Then follows,

“you’re too technical”, “too objective”, “you’re the one who’s unrealistic”

and then follows

all their emitted subjective, shallow opinions; I absorb it and feel it; empathise too much with it.

I become it, them.

I begin to self-loath; hate my own existence cause that what’s looking through their eyes feels like.

and as much as I’d like to think that I appreciate myself; I become more eager to end it all, definitively.

for feeling too conflicted? perhaps.

The demons come out and start drowning me inside out; then just from around.

they scream, plea and cry with love and hate all at once; all at once!

then comes the worst of all.. judgmental numbness..

there’s no going back now.

I Hate You, Dear Self..

no, no; I hate them.

so let go, run.

The Unfaithful Threesome 

it was at dusk that I kissed her lips for the very first time, and I realized as my arms went searching for more of her that thus moment was the moment I’ve been yearning for; the moment of my second birth. granted, it was my 4th attempt yet it felt like my very first; kiss. sweet, moist and passionate..

as her fingertips brought life to the bluebells on my spine my heart became hers once and for all. and as we laid on that rooftop’s grounds afterwards and my eyes met hers my soul screeched as it finally found home.. within her. 

a sweet battle of fire and water; she sets me ablaze and I put her out. we balance each other, but in that fleeting moment of chaos, oh the destruction we cause to one another.

I’m in love with the beautiful plant’s roots that took ground within my vessel of blood, love and water for its soil.

Fin 

Tears that burn my cheeks,

habits that are nothing like me whatsoever are now, oddly enough, all that I am made up of.

Fears, lots and lots of those, especially.

The cause? my one and only regret; you.

I had hoped and prayed I was wrong about you; even when dumb lyrics of an old song told me otherwise; even when every fucking signal of this dumb, random universe tried to deter me from you. I thought “the harder the more worth it”.. Well I’m surely not the one laughing now.

Tonight I had lost, the very last piece of my heart on a summer. How unpredicted-scoff-

Therefore, tonight I will declare that in my final defeat I have no other choice but to surrender. 

I am now a cowering shadow. Always and forever opposing to the sun; surrounded by it maybe, but never fortunate enough to get a taste of it myself.

I don’t know if I forgive you yet; cause I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forget you.

I sure hope so though.

I sure hope so..

what do you call us

feeling like an orphan when both parents are alive

feeling like an only child when you got 8 other siblings 

feeling like you come from a small tree where in reality its branches are spreading across all seven skies and its roots comes from all over; consuming the glob!

“ungrateful bastard” they murmured as if loneliness only comes over those supposedly lacking

at least you get to dream and wonder maybe if you had them they would’ve probably loved you.

/shh you’re not allowed to complain

for now 

give me that breakthrough of a cure, baby; tell me they gave you the news that I’ll be just fine.they don’t know what’s wrong with the world and what’s before their eyes, let alone what goes around within my mind..

but why shall I worry when you try and force that crooked smile that goes along perfectly with my broken spine. 

yes, we’ll be fine for now and always if you’d like, just give me that damned placebo and hold me for just tonight.

despite all the attempts of it to wash you away

As I got out of the shower, that I had hoped would help me forget; warming my oceanic curls up in the morning sun, out of the scent of my shampoo, my coffee and cigarette smoke, I was able to distinguish that one scent.. that of yours. In a moment of madness, I turn my head with subconscious, childlike joy and in that split second before I could rest my eyes on my door it hit me how impossible it would have been for you to be standing there. Yet my naive, dreamer heart seem to still hope for you..

But when reality hit with its bitter truth I had to know, still. cause I was already too shy to ask what perfume you use yet here it is taking over my senses as if it’s a factual matter I’m surly aware of from long ago. Am I losing my mind? maybe. Because I started looking like a hound for it; with an unhindered instinct to find it. As if I’ll find bits of you hiding in a corner waiting to be found; by me. However, as I slumped down in yet another deafeat involving you! I found you.. on my shirt.. the shirt I wore the first night I spent alone with just you.. as if it, too yearned to be in your arms. Ahh it greived by unleashing all it had of you.

kissing the night

Craving kisses was never my thing till I got a wicked taste and realized that the vulnerability I was avoiding was surprisingly rewarding, for my fearful heart went cold at the grips of those whom I realised I never loved; so it went away. And on.

Until you came along and hell I could not escape the thought of you ever since; remembering.. How you exhaled –and I ached– after we parted away for only a moment in the sake of a breathing break or more so how you dived right back in. How you kept your eyes shut avoiding my unbreakable gaze till your mouth started to quiver and how I feared you were hoping it was someone besides me sitting right next to you, but that self-doubt vanishes the moment I recall that one memory.. The image of you, in my head, back then in the cramped accelerating manner we were in, right after our first kiss and how you rested your head with the most beautiful smile I could ever be the cause of (or so I hope); add to that my lipstick smeared all over you; reminiscing back to the sight of that makes me laugh a little, each and every time.

I’m addicted and ever since, dearest I’ve been yearning for you, only.

who knows

For a while, but only recently I thought I was incapable of love.

I second-guessed all the ties I have had before.. before her.

why?

Well this girl I’ve only encountered a few countable times, yet I’ve known her my whole life; or so it feels when I’m in her undoubtable presence.

Her presence..

it is nothing but awkward for me, or one could say heart shattering even; I want her to hold my hand and greet me, the real me, back, yet she never does. She looks at me with cold eyes and that sweet pout of hers.. and every time we lock eyes it is like the first time for her.. and my last. It ruins me, each and every time.

But that night she came over it felt like the sweet little, devious lying dream it always has been.

only below her touch there I was realising how surreal it all feels.

her kisses, strokes and breaths ..

I was hers since day one; more-sadly-so I even repeated it to her time after time but she just chose to never listen. to any of my screaming and pleading.. deaf to my overwhelming love.

 I wrote words, played songs and kissed her with my aching heart.. and still.. nothing.

what have I gotten myself into..

Actual withdrawal symptoms;

the thought alone made my heart palpitate, a 112 beats per minute, I could feel my whole upper abdomen ache as if iced since by breathing can barely keep up..

the thought alone.

it’s not due to my body craving some sort of chemical it relied on in order to function properly; not at all.. but merely, a fellow human got me feeling this way.

Shivering hands, lost breath and aching chest.. all the doings of a sweet girl I already possess.. how could this be?

A type of love I have never felt before, hell this need generally is something I have NEVER felt before! aside from instinctual matters, nothing in this world was a matter of need to me.

Yet here I lay, missing her to the extent of physical impairment.. baffled! by the thought that I crave her presence here with me like once before that my body is willing to give up on me.

A collection of simple, couple hours of distance got me this crippled?

lord, have mercy on my hopeless soul.