إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2018(c)

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i physically want to crawl on all fours till i find your arms, unhinge my jaws and devour your chest, till i find home, drown myself in your fears; that’s where i belong. i might be your worst nightmare, but that only means you’re my safety, lover. i don’t understand most of what goes around me; the world is confusingly upside-down, most of the time. that’s why i hold on tightly to what i barely comprehend, that being you, as you scream pleading for our soundings to turn a one eighty, back to your heaven; to my living hell. 

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“shut up”

my teeth are clinched whenever my mouth is shut; like floodgates holding back the constant overflow of thought and emotion; my words.

the headache spreads to my nerves and throughout my body, the need to speak up of my existence is constant.

“i’m here, i’m here! I’M HERE!”

i get it, most of all, they do, too.

but my teeth are clinched whenever my lips are still. which tampers with my nature and being. as if in protest my body resists itself; i am not used to being idle nor is my tongue.

i unhinge my skull’s crushing, in fear,

what if my gritting teeth fall apart and my gates would collapse and i am silenced forevermore?

bitter-sweet pineapple juice 

i wonder, those lips of yours as you pout and what goes through your fields within those endless dead crops of that mind of yours; when you lay back and suddenly show me those deadly tiny fangs behind that soft smile you send my way as you crouch your back… i wonder; as we begin our stare off, do you think of the kisses i keep stealing? 

but for now, the deafening white noise behind our silence shall remain, till you pull me back to your orbit, again.

it is in our actions not our words 

what’s a pretty poem?

it’s your soft skin and the way your eyes widen, then slowly shut when i touch you. 

it’s how you crack a mischievous smile every time you gaze back at me and can tell that i still -very much so- am in love with you; as my fingers start to drape you with my unwavering lust for your body.

it is in the way we both still give in to one another.

We’re not fated by the stars, i’m not your yin nor your yang; the sun is dying and the moon is just a rock.. and dear, shams left rumi for selfish reasons.

Love is a fever dream, gives you the thrill of feeling the unreal; makes you believe you’re bigger than your pointless existence. Mhm for a day or two; a year and two months.

So tell me is what we shared a mere lie that’s yet to be as crippling as religion?

Were my days of tears and heartache worth while; my time wishing upon everything down to specks of dust and how they were floating above my head, looking holy enough to grant a dying wish; worth my focus?

Love is just desires based on attachments. Kissing you is mere lust and our promises turned out to be the easiest to break the second they left our lips.

so kiss me, let’s keep ’em safe.. but no:

I’ll go on with my churning stomach and my fossilizing heart, in memory of just another lie. 

And you go on with your fingers between her thighs telling me i’m not worth your time, cause you already care for her.

what’s it like, losing faith

i was born a sinner, so worshiping is a must.

i was taught i’d be forgiven, and in love i thus trust.

it was no easy task, never will be. but when i found you, it simply showed me the real me; and then and there, i kneeled. in your heavenly glory i basked, and wishing on the fallen stars of your soft skin’s craters i found it all. 

for almost two years, i was strictly your one and only follower. for strictly two years it was just you and i, dear goddess of mine..

and as the lonely, needy follower i was; i gave you my all. in your heavenly-self-obsessed nature; you always wanted more.. and that’s where you got grounded, literally into mere human; in my eyes. “i want not your commitment” you cried out.. as if it was a choice of mine. 

so you threw me into your fiery flames and left me to die for all eternity, cause you simply just wanted to be.. just like me.

nonsensical glee of the moment  

i’m sorry, dear self, you felt the chase of death for too long, but it left you; walked right past you. hell- merely licked your presence. yet you crumbled and fell apart; torn in-half in excruciating pain through your fragile waist. what a waste of an existence you are.

dead? you’re dying!? but here you are! here you are…

and when you rise, when you come back up again; you’ll see her…… far behind.

if

 i would’ve kissed you longer if i knew it was our last, told you i loved you to your pretty face; straight into those godly eyes, if i knew this is where i’d end up.

 would’ve held you tighter as you slept on my chest; knowing i’d never see you after that very evening. 
 i don’t mind your pardon, love. i mind not loving you enough….

this is no poem or expressive piece. no piece of art or second-relief. merely my unfinished farewell.

sour taste in my mouth 

there’s a sense of freedom in losing, liberation in hurt. it took me by surprise and as such it let me go..

there’s no meaning to it; even if my words masked it with reasons, there could never be. 

it’s humorous to an extent. vain in a certain other.

but most of all; it was inevitable.
cheers, love.

little girl

little girl, you’re in pain.

grieving for the losses of the years.

you and your daddy issues, 

and even mommy didn’t give you enough hugs and kisses till you cried yourself to sleep each night.

though, little girl you were born a lover,

 stealing glances since you were 8 years old; 

hopelessly looking for aphrodite’s promises of roses and smiles.

the world isn’t as peaceful as your day-dreams, 

rather filled with those monsters of your night-terrors that never left you since birth.

little girl, you’ve grown and found the one!

but she took you for granted,

 and wanted mere pain instead, cause that’s what she’s been addicted to; “unlike you”.

little girl; 

the cycle will never end, now you know, so get your shit together, you’re a grown woman now.