إنه مجرد وهم

expressive free-writing blog. all rights reserved to Reem AL-Abdullah, 2017(c)

she rests her head somewhere I’m not.. for now?

reem, [Jan 13, 2017, 3:10 PM]:

today’s vibe is very uncomfortable in a familiar way; it warms the heart which is confusing cause it’s not supposed to

it’s a rare day

one where you enjoy the little things more than the major beauties

staring at the random, usual looking clouds, consuming most of the sky

listening to good but not the best music

where when the sun and its extra pretty rays dance with the other tender looking clouds on the other side of the sky is actually an eyesore; making you avert your gaze back to the average.. again

where you realize that the reason we ache is the reason we chose to be away from our creator

longing has a bitter-sweet taste to it that’s like cherry wine; addictive

it’s why you, my partner’s perfect distance is needed; for one day though; so that my soul could indulge the griefs of love

but not for too long

or i’d suffocate

that’s why we are not immortal

we’d suffocate from being away from our core; our creator; our grand love, for too long..

Harebell for a Spine.

i must stop spreading;
it’s time for my extinction.
my petals have been stepped on one too many times,
i’m weary to the roots;
rip me off!! annihilate the wildness within my nature!
subdue thus flower.

It Goes as Follows;

It goes as follows,

First I speak up;

Then follows,

“you’re too technical”, “too objective”, “you’re the one who’s unrealistic”

and then follows

all their emitted subjective, shallow opinions; I absorb it and feel it; empathise too much with it.

I become it, them.

I begin to self-loath; hate my own existence cause that what’s looking through their eyes feels like.

and as much as I’d like to think that I appreciate myself; I become more eager to end it all, definitively.

for feeling too conflicted? perhaps.

The demons come out and start drowning me inside out; then just from around.

they scream, plea and cry with love and hate all at once; all at once!

then comes the worst of all.. judgmental numbness..

there’s no going back now.

I Hate You, Dear Self..

no, no; I hate them.

so let go, run.

i am a mad woman with a broken heart 

this is a cry for sanity 

i cannot take my company anymore

i cannot withstand others either

i want to runaway but where to

i cannot find a single home not even within myself 

my soul is a sham 

my faith is a lie

my ideas feel distant 

and my love for her is all i am left with
do i deserve her anymore?

1:11 am

hands that surge the soul with utter joy, grip the edges of my universe within your grasp and dress yourself with my galaxies.

shoulders that represent the slumping flanks of a dormant volcano waiting to be discovered as the greatest of all high mountains.

a face like the clear skies of mid-summer with three suns for both eyes, and the holiest of all grins; that give infinite warmth to even one’s deepest pits dwelling within the soul.

when it comes to your spirit? your beautiful, godly heart and extraterrestrial love!? words seize to do you justice, lover. for only the joys that I feel within the depths of my existence lies the only human aspect that could clearly only try to make the rest fathom your greatness; and oh my greater love for you on par!
engulf me, engulf me, consume my atoms; creating our own dimension of spacetime. like merging worlds; expand my horizons.

”يصبح الكون مختلفًا عندما تعشق النار الماء“
November 28th, 2016 5:55am

View on Path

The ember of the skies and oceans within my heart; “my sun”

And I say I will love you until the end of me; cause time is pointless without my realization of it.
Reality as a hoax and I am immortal as long as your heart beats within me.
I am yours; till the end of the beyond. Impossible.

/Different Lands for Just You and I/

November 8th


I had certainly died,
for my birth, begins each time, in the recollection of the beautiful image of her wide, fire-lit brown eyes.
I have no other memory of warmth but that I had in between her..
cradled in her grasp I have learnt the beauty of being a female, moreover the bliss of getting loved by one.
Then I die; once more, surpassing the meaning of just being in love.

November 2nd


Love intoxicates you, leads you to believe in the unfathomable;

then breaks your bones -at your will- and asks you to rely on your crutches of a lover; “they can surely withstand you for the rest of your time.”
so you’re consumed by the ideal that it’s only your right.
I hate being a burden. I hate all of this.

/Crippling Hate./

October 25th


As the gold disappears from my locks, sweet armored princess of mine, wake me from my jaded slumber; show me your world for I am on the brink of leaving mine. Then meet me, meet me half way on the gates of your lips and let us create a universe of our own; gentle lover of mine, I will save you and you will save me. I promise to love you. Just meet me there.
Kiss me. One more time, but please this time, let it be everlasting.

/I Can’t Help but Cave in From Time to Time/

August 29th


I don’t need you to make sense,

I need you to be real.
Forever is pointless to my decaying existence; be worthwhile. Time is not real or at least not how we were made to believe it to be; simply a dimension.

no past no future; our forever is now.
Hold me, I am weak despite my seemingly strong exterior. (how?)
I cry in silence cause I have been called a coward one too many times as I got hurt too often.
Be different, I am tired. Bent out of shape. Do not correct me. Love me as I am now.
Weak breaths and shaky hands, words underlined with true-naive- promises. That is all the lost child I was born to be could genuinely give.
Be the home I long for. My broken legs are giving up on me. I do not know what it is I am supposed to want besides that. A home. Home..

August 24th


Fuck words,

fuck thinking about how you would swoon over my like-no-other loving promises.
I don’t feel like simply having you understand how invested I am in you.. Us.
My sweet dream of the future.
My all-time companion; I want to prove it to you.
I want to grab your hand, run towards the end and never let you go. Still.
Those eyes of yours control me; will forever do so.
Nothing could come between us, I will fight it with my life. And whatever comes next.
I am yours to hold and love or to be taught a life lesson. I vow. I am in love; truly.

/Vows. /This Is It.
August 22nd


May I be selfish, lover?

May I desire you at all times with no guilt?
I do not know how, but I would rather not even consider fathoming a life well spent yet without you; so let me ask of you, will you be mine? for the naive forever that a hopeless romantic’s true nature cannot help but gravitate towards..
You are all that I need. Come drown your flames within my waters; rest assure I am here to free you. So warm me up; let us be free, in love.

/I Miss You./
August 5th

to E.

I still see the beauty in her chaos,

as I recline in my chair staring at what is left of her within my capsule.

as for my vessel,

she left a burn-mark on my right arm; the one she instinctively held when we were at the edge of our free-fall..

a muse she clearly still remains.

a true love she was.

if I could ask for her distorted forgiveness once more .. I would.

but what is the point?

The Unfaithful Threesome 

it was at dusk that I kissed her lips for the very first time, and I realized as my arms went searching for more of her that thus moment was the moment I’ve been yearning for; the moment of my second birth. granted, it was my 4th attempt yet it felt like my very first; kiss. sweet, moist and passionate..

as her fingertips brought life to the bluebells on my spine my heart became hers once and for all. and as we laid on that rooftop’s grounds afterwards and my eyes met hers my soul screeched as it finally found home.. within her. 

a sweet battle of fire and water; she sets me ablaze and I put her out. we balance each other, but in that fleeting moment of chaos, oh the destruction we cause to one another.

I’m in love with the beautiful plant’s roots that took ground within my vessel of blood, love and water for its soil.

Fin 

Tears that burn my cheeks,

habits that are nothing like me whatsoever are now, oddly enough, all that I am made up of.

Fears, lots and lots of those, especially.

The cause? my one and only regret; you.

I had hoped and prayed I was wrong about you; even when dumb lyrics of an old song told me otherwise; even when every fucking signal of this dumb, random universe tried to deter me from you. I thought “the harder the more worth it”.. Well I’m surely not the one laughing now.

Tonight I had lost, the very last piece of my heart on a summer. How unpredicted-scoff-

Therefore, tonight I will declare that in my final defeat I have no other choice but to surrender. 

I am now a cowering shadow. Always and forever opposing to the sun; surrounded by it maybe, but never fortunate enough to get a taste of it myself.

I don’t know if I forgive you yet; cause I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forget you.

I sure hope so though.

I sure hope so..