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I used to find your quirkiness pretty,
I used to smile at things (about you) that others didn’t.
I used to think of you when I dimmed my bedroom lights.
I used to think that if I wanted to write words about your touch I must’ve loved you..
I must’ve loved you?
well truth be told I liked you until I didn’t. and they say that love doesn’t work that way.

I didn’t understand them.
I didn’t understand it until I did.
I didn’t understand it until I was standing outside some other girl’s door and for the first time in my life,
I could not avert my my focus from the pattern on that damned door..
that when I had to, I got lightheaded from how much the blood was drained from my body, despite my racing heart; the veins in my hands felt even more ice-cold[…]
as I could not stop myself from smiling, and waited till the silhouette of the love I waited for appeared..
for an instant I understood it all, and my heart grieved for you.
until it didn’t/

16/5/16

Stale taste and thin air; is that what heaven’s made out of?
sweaty palms and yearning skin begging to be touched.. it all made me lose my focus, for the first time and only with you, I lost my words; and I keep doing so over and over again.
As many books I may read, as many questions I might seek to be answered and as much knowledge I thus would gain, I fear I still shan’t understand you. How frightful.

//yet why does it feel like I already do//

despite all the attempts of it to wash you away

As I got out of the shower, that I had hoped would help me forget; warming my oceanic curls up in the morning sun, out of the scent of my shampoo, my coffee and cigarette smoke, I was able to distinguish that one scent.. that of yours. In a moment of madness, I turn my head with subconscious, childlike joy and in that split second before I could rest my eyes on my door it hit me how impossible it would have been for you to be standing there. Yet my naive, dreamer heart seem to still hope for you..

But when reality hit with its bitter truth I had to know, still. cause I was already too shy to ask what perfume you use yet here it is taking over my senses as if it’s a factual matter I’m surly aware of from long ago. Am I losing my mind? maybe. Because I started looking like a hound for it; with an unhindered instinct to find it. As if I’ll find bits of you hiding in a corner waiting to be found; by me. However, as I slumped down in yet another deafeat involving you! I found you.. on my shirt.. the shirt I wore the first night I spent alone with just you.. as if it, too yearned to be in your arms. Ahh it greived by unleashing all it had of you.